I wanted to say, It’s really amazing I survived dating -- honestly when I think about it -- the worst person I’ve ever met.
A Man Who Believed:
- A woman’s place is in the kitchen
- A women’s place should at the same time be the bread winner, working a full job and contributing everything she makes, and never buy gifts for herself - Just got off of work? Good! Now go straight back in the kitchen to make dinner before the hard-working man comes home! (if you don’t have to clean the bathroom/do laundry/whatever else first - but you better get everything done including dinner before he gets home!). Providing money is the number one way a woman can show she contributes and cares - But merely paying $700+ to fix the man’s car, giving the man an $80+ gift among other smaller gifts, ALWAYS buying the groceries, and the oil to heat the house ($400+) just isn’t good enough - Really her whole paycheck should be given to the man, since saving the rest of her money for a rainy-day fund in case she looses her job, which was a REAL looming possibility, so she can continue to afford groceries, is also not good enough.
- A woman should know her place and never complain about her life or personal issues, no matter how much she is bothered by them, but merely be someone the man can complain TO, even if he complains every day - A man can complain as much as he wants.
- A woman should clean the house without any help and should never ask for assistance, lest she get scolded, or receive the hairy eyeball from the man.
- A woman should do all the above without getting any appreciation, respect, or attention in return.
- The man reserves the right to withhold sex from the woman, and state this to her FACE, if she ever complains about her life in any way, or doesn’t contribute enough money (as stated above). (yes, he has said both of these to me - both are grounds for a break up alone, to be honest.)
- In the rare instance that the man decides to help out, out of the unbounding generosity he has, he reserves the right to state how lucky the woman is to have him help, that she's really putting him out, and otherwise complain about the task the whole time.
- A woman, despite doing all the above, can never be good enough, and should try harder to contribute.
- A woman’s cooking and cleaning do not count as contributing, since those are just things women are automatically expected to do.
- If anything is messed up in the relationship, it’s the woman’s fault, the man is the only victim -- which he can broadcast to anyone who will listen (and even to those who won’t) -- and therefore any disrespect on the man’s end is warranted - throwing his woman "under the bus" = completely acceptable.
- If the woman dates someone after breaking up with the man, and the woman and man decide to get back together later, during that period of time they were not together, the woman should be considered a cheating whore and slut, and should be called so.
(#11 was at the end of college - I guess I should have seen his more recent behavior coming a mile away after that, but that’s what I get for giving people the benefit of the doubt sometimes (5 years should be enough for him to mature right? GUESS NOT! More like the opposite LoL).. *sigh* .. as for the rest, we had arguments about them constantly, when he wasn't just ignoring me and doing his own thing or complaining about how much his life sucked, and some of that is literally word-for-word what he said he believes "it should be"... and I vividly remember him shouting things like this at me.. as I cleaned the dishes... crying... *rolls eyes*)
Yup, I dated a sexist, immature, and disrespectful man-child, that would be perfect as the main star of Mad Men, which I’m sure he’s fantasized about being many times. -_- (actually I'm pretty sure he told me once he felt he could relate to Don Draper, so there ya go). Can you believe this is the guy that loves to pretend he's all chivalrous and a paladin-type? And I am no feminist, actually I am quite old-fashioned and love to dote on whomever I'm with (shooo, I even wear vintage-style clothing and I'll wear the apron and serve my man some home-cooked goodness, clean, contribute and work my ass off for someone else and for the mutual benefit of a relationship and everything)... but dang dude.. get real, can I get one ounce of respect back to make all that work (that was apparently invisible to you) worth-while?
Luckily, I have finally met a man who would never think anything in the above list in a million years, and thinks it's atrocious I ever had to deal with that crap, wonders how anyone could even treat me like that in the first place, and treats me with respect and shows me love in little or big ways every day. He never expects anything from me, he just wants to give of himself, he's not stubborn, he doesn't ever feel his pride is more important than my feelings, and is very humble and compassionate, (I think he's quite empathic like me actually :D) so therefore we have a very balanced relationship of mutual giving. I’ve been through a lot of poop, and now I am very lucky - I believe I found my soulmate :) We share this connection that people search for and don't always find.. It's mind-blowing.. I never thought I could ever find a love like this.. It's a connection that goes beyond stupid drama, materialness, concepts of male and female - and is much more spiritual and overwhelming - like we knew each other forever.. (not just our whole lives.. I mean like.. "forever") It's impossible to describe. I can tell you one thing though - What we have, can not be compared to the miniscule dot that is Chris's BS, and I will not deal with his shit ever again.. It's like trying to compare or find an ant in the cosmos of the universe.. Don't even bother. (I might have been inspired by Neil deGrasse Tyson on that one xD)
People make mistakes, sometimes because they are in a very dark place in their lives, and they can let that control their actions.. Chris's darkness on hating life and the "hand that was dealt him" made him take everything out on me and blame me for everything, and I was just never good enough, nothing was good enough - and he felt entitled to be treated like a king by the one he was with, since life treated him like a piece of garbage. He needed to focus on the good in his life instead of on the bad. I was in a dark place too, after having gone through this kind of treatment two relationships in a row, and this second time, I felt so betrayed since he knew I went through that kind of treatment before, and I thought I could trust him and that I could finally be happy in a healthy relationship. Therefore towards the end I probably didn't treat him with much respect either, and let my own darkness finally take over my decisions for a bit. One can choose to learn from the mistakes they make, or keep repeating their miserable habits over and over, wallowing in their darkness and blaming others instead of doing something about it. I choose to learn from mine. (6 plus years+ of him doing the same crap says I don't think he will learn anything, but hopefully I'm wrong, for his sake :/)
Btw, I'm not referring to mental illness (depression, etc.) - you definitely can’t just “snap out of that,” but it helps to question if that is where your “darkness” and the resulting actions/inactions are coming from, and then hopefully seek help, which can definitely be a hard step to make.
If, Sir Non-Chivalrous, you happened to stumble upon this post: I hope you can learn something from our failed relationship. It could just be you are letting stubbornness, pride, immaturity, and that darkness and bitterness you feel from the "hand you were dealt" control you, and if so, you should seriously stop letting that happen, or your next relationship will end up just how ours did. Don't be that bitter douche that coasts through life blaming everyone and everything except yourself for your shitty life. Pro-tip: No one likes that guy. But also consider talking to a psychiatrist - there is no shame in that, because there is a chance that you do actually have some form of depression, which would explain your desire to just coast through life, letting crap happen to you, instead of acting and working on things to improve yourself so you can actually be there for another person, mentally and physically. Although you hurt me deeply (which I think you keep forgetting/somehow don't even realize), I still wish you the best and hope you can get help if that is what you need.
You could definitely learn a thing from this article: http://www.puckermob.com/relationships/t
(Just in case I wasn't clear, though.. What you and I had, if anything, is definitely failed and over. I would never date you again in a million years. I would rather date Matt again LoL at least he learned and matured, and that's why we are able to be completely civil friends. But yeah sorry, I got a wedding to plan with my soulmate, kaythxbye.)
And to reconfirm the bullshit I went through with this charlatan of a "man", let me just leave these articles here - I was verbally and emotionally abused by him (and not to mention I suffered a lot of the same with Matt unfortunately, but at least he had bipolar issues and other reasons why and tried slightly to work with me and admitted he had problems, unlike Chris that denied everything and would turn everything around on me). I honestly feel sorry for whoever he dates in the future, and I hope he learns from our failed relationship before he attempts another. To give you an idea of the severity of emotional and even verbal abuse I put up with with him, here are 3 short lists.
- 6 Signs Your Partner Is Emotionally Abusive
- 5 Signs Your Partner Is An Emotional Psychopath
- 10 Signs That You’re Dating An Emotional Psychopath
Every single bullet point on each of these lists, Chris put me through. The thought that I put up with all this garbage as long as I did is rediculous, and the fact that he has no idea he did anything wrong, and has no idea why I left him is mindblowing. Talk about denial! It's actually quite sad really. This is the person I used to know, thought I would spend the rest of my life with, and he let everything that happened in his life get him down, control his actions and leave him a shell of what he used to be. But I know deep down that that nice person he had always claimed to be - the chivilrous, paladin-type, and future scientist that I met in collage that had such ambition and goals, is in there somewhere. He can either choose to keep being bitter and destroy what is left, and thus turn into his father -- a fate he told me he never wanted, and by the way, he literally already treated me how his father treated his mom -- or he can choose to be proactive and regain the reigns on his life, and make his mother -- an amazing person -- proud. He'll need help from his friends and family, and perhaps a professional like I mentioned, but I worry and doubt he'll ever ask for it. I wish him and more importantly his future gal the best of luck. They are going to need it. He does deserve to be happy.
At the end of the day, the important thing now is I'm finally free and happy! I'm looking forward to my future with my love, and spending every day of the rest of my life with him making me feel beautiful at whatever size I am, loved, appreciated, and respected, for better or worse, good times and bad, and I give him all that in return. That's the way a true relationship should be - full of mutual respect and love to create balance, and that's what I finally have. I can finally say I feel very lucky, and it's about damn time! :)