"Sending Cosmic Questions Out Into the Void...

...So, Goodnight Dear Void."

A Good Place To Vent For Now...
Amelie inspired
Hi allll! LoL I know that no one uses this anymore.. but sometimes we just need a place to vent. I'm in the process of creating a more "adult" blog (not that kind LoL), where I'll post art creations and updates about the happy things in my life, like you see a lot of moms, soon-to-be brides and cooking enthusiasts do, but for now I figured I'd dump some baggage here, for either anyone or no-one to see... so here goes.. LoL

I wanted to say, It’s really amazing I survived dating -- honestly when I think about it -- the worst person I’ve ever met.

A Man Who Believed:

  1. A woman’s place is in the kitchen

  2. A women’s place should at the same time be the bread winner, working a full job and contributing everything she makes, and never buy gifts for herself - Just got off of work? Good! Now go straight back in the kitchen to make dinner before the hard-working man comes home! (if you don’t have to clean the bathroom/do laundry/whatever else first - but you better get everything done including dinner before he gets home!). Providing money is the number one way a woman can show she contributes and cares - But merely paying $700+ to fix the man’s car, giving the man an $80+ gift among other smaller gifts, ALWAYS buying the groceries, and the oil to heat the house ($400+) just isn’t good enough - Really her whole paycheck should be given to the man, since saving the rest of her money for a rainy-day fund in case she looses her job, which was a REAL looming possibility, so she can continue to afford groceries, is also not good enough.

  3. A woman should know her place and never complain about her life or personal issues, no matter how much she is bothered by them, but merely be someone the man can complain TO, even if he complains every day - A man can complain as much as he wants.

  4. A woman should clean the house without any help and should never ask for assistance, lest she get scolded, or receive the hairy eyeball from the man.

  5. A woman should do all the above without getting any appreciation, respect, or attention in return.

  6. The man reserves the right to withhold sex from the woman, and state this to her FACE, if she ever complains about her life in any way, or doesn’t contribute enough money (as stated above). (yes, he has said both of these to me - both are grounds for a break up alone, to be honest.)

  7. In the rare instance that the man decides to help out, out of the unbounding generosity he has, he reserves the right to state how lucky the woman is to have him help, that she's really putting him out, and otherwise complain about the task the whole time.

  8. A woman, despite doing all the above, can never be good enough, and should try harder to contribute.

  9. A woman’s cooking and cleaning do not count as contributing, since those are just things women are automatically expected to do.

  10. If anything is messed up in the relationship, it’s the woman’s fault, the man is the only victim -- which he can broadcast to anyone who will listen (and even to those who won’t) -- and therefore any disrespect on the man’s end is warranted - throwing his woman "under the bus" = completely acceptable.

  11. If the woman dates someone after breaking up with the man, and the woman and man decide to get back together later, during that period of time they were not together, the woman should be considered a cheating whore and slut, and should be called so.

(#11 was at the end of college - I guess I should have seen his more recent behavior coming a mile away after that, but that’s what I get for giving people the benefit of the doubt sometimes (5 years should be enough for him to mature right? GUESS NOT! More like the opposite LoL).. *sigh* .. as for the rest, we had arguments about them constantly, when he wasn't just ignoring me and doing his own thing or complaining about how much his life sucked, and some of that is literally word-for-word what he said he believes "it should be"... and I vividly remember him shouting things like this at me.. as I cleaned the dishes... crying... *rolls eyes*)

Yup, I dated a sexist, immature, and disrespectful man-child, that would be perfect as the main star of Mad Men, which I’m sure he’s fantasized about being many times. -_- (actually I'm pretty sure he told me once he felt he could relate to Don Draper, so there ya go).  Can you believe this is the guy that loves to pretend he's all chivalrous and a paladin-type? And I am no feminist, actually I am quite old-fashioned and love to dote on whomever I'm with (shooo, I even wear vintage-style clothing and I'll wear the apron and serve my man some home-cooked goodness, clean, contribute and work my ass off for someone else and for the mutual benefit of a relationship and everything)... but dang dude.. get real, can I get one ounce of respect back to make all that work (that was apparently invisible to you) worth-while?

Luckily, I have finally met a man who would never think anything in the above list in a million years, and thinks it's atrocious I ever had to deal with that crap, wonders how anyone could even treat me like that in the first place, and treats me with respect and shows me love in little or big ways every day. He never expects anything from me, he just wants to give of himself, he's not stubborn, he doesn't ever feel his pride is more important than my feelings, and is very humble and compassionate, (I think he's quite empathic like me actually :D) so therefore we have a very balanced relationship of mutual giving. I’ve been through a lot of poop, and now I am very lucky - I believe I found my soulmate :) We share this connection that people search for and don't always find.. It's mind-blowing.. I never thought I could ever find a love like this.. It's a connection that goes beyond stupid drama, materialness, concepts of male and female - and is much more spiritual and overwhelming - like we knew each other forever.. (not just our whole lives.. I mean like.. "forever") It's impossible to describe.  I can tell you one thing though - What we have, can not be compared to the miniscule dot that is Chris's BS, and I will not deal with his shit ever again.. It's like trying to compare or find an ant in the cosmos of the universe.. Don't even bother. (I might have been inspired by Neil deGrasse Tyson on that one xD)

People make mistakes, sometimes because they are in a very dark place in their lives, and they can let that control their actions.. Chris's darkness on hating life and the "hand that was dealt him" made him take everything out on me and blame me for everything, and I was just never good enough, nothing was good enough - and he felt entitled to be treated like a king by the one he was with, since life treated him like a piece of garbage. He needed to focus on the good in his life instead of on the bad. I was in a dark place too, after having gone through this kind of treatment two relationships in a row, and this second time, I felt so betrayed since he knew I went through that kind of treatment before, and I thought I could trust him and that I could finally be happy in a healthy relationship. Therefore towards the end I probably didn't treat him with much respect either, and let my own darkness finally take over my decisions for a bit. One can choose to learn from the mistakes they make, or keep repeating their miserable habits over and over, wallowing in their darkness and blaming others instead of doing something about it. I choose to learn from mine.  (6 plus years+ of him doing the same crap says I don't think he will learn anything, but hopefully I'm wrong, for his sake :/)

Btw, I'm not referring to mental illness (depression, etc.) - you definitely can’t just “snap out of that,” but it helps to question if that is where your “darkness” and the resulting actions/inactions are coming from, and then hopefully seek help, which can definitely be a hard step to make.

If, Sir Non-Chivalrous, you happened to stumble upon this post: I hope you can learn something from our failed relationship. It could just be you are letting stubbornness, pride, immaturity, and that darkness and bitterness you feel from the "hand you were dealt" control you, and if so, you should seriously stop letting that happen, or your next relationship will end up just how ours did. Don't be that bitter douche that coasts through life blaming everyone and everything except yourself for your shitty life. Pro-tip: No one likes that guy. But also consider talking to a psychiatrist - there is no shame in that, because there is a chance that you do actually have some form of depression, which would explain your desire to just coast through life, letting crap happen to you, instead of acting and working on things to improve yourself so you can actually be there for another person, mentally and physically. Although you hurt me deeply (which I think you keep forgetting/somehow don't even realize), I still wish you the best and hope you can get help if that is what you need.

You could definitely learn a thing from this article: http://www.puckermob.com/relationships/to-the-guy-who-stopped-appreciating-the-girl-he-loves - You can't just take me for granted and think I'll just roll with it. I'm not your mom, or some family member that just has to put up with you - that's not how it works, and anyone that doesn't get this article, like the dumbasses in the comments below it, are in for a rude lonely awakening.

(Just in case I wasn't clear, though.. What you and I had, if anything, is definitely failed and over. I would never date you again in a million years. I would rather date Matt again LoL at least he learned and matured, and that's why we are able to be completely civil friends. But yeah sorry, I got a wedding to plan with my soulmate, kaythxbye.)

And to reconfirm the bullshit I went through with this charlatan of a "man", let me just leave these articles here - I was verbally and emotionally abused by him (and not to mention I suffered a lot of the same with Matt unfortunately, but at least he had bipolar issues and other reasons why and tried slightly to work with me and admitted he had problems, unlike Chris that denied everything and would turn everything around on me). I honestly feel sorry for whoever he dates in the future, and I hope he learns from our failed relationship before he attempts another. To give you an idea of the severity of emotional and even verbal abuse I put up with with him, here are 3 short lists.

6 Signs Your Partner Is Emotionally Abusive
- 5 Signs Your Partner Is An Emotional Psychopath
- 10 Signs That You’re Dating An Emotional Psychopath

Every single bullet point on each of these lists, Chris put me through. The thought that I put up with all this garbage as long as I did is rediculous, and the fact that he has no idea he did anything wrong, and has no idea why I left him is mindblowing. Talk about denial! It's actually quite sad really. This is the person I used to know, thought I would spend the rest of my life with, and he let everything that happened in his life get him down, control his actions and leave him a shell of what he used to be. But I know deep down that that nice person he had always claimed to be - the chivilrous, paladin-type, and future scientist that I met in collage that had such ambition and goals, is in there somewhere. He can either choose to keep being bitter and destroy what is left, and thus turn into his father -- a fate he told me he never wanted, and by the way, he literally already treated me how his father treated his mom -- or he can choose to be proactive and regain the reigns on his life, and make his mother -- an amazing person -- proud. He'll need help from his friends and family, and perhaps a professional like I mentioned, but I worry and doubt he'll ever ask for it. I wish him and more importantly his future gal the best of luck. They are going to need it. He does deserve to be happy.

At the end of the day, the important thing now is I'm finally free and happy! I'm looking forward to my future with my love, and spending every day of the rest of my life with him making me feel beautiful at whatever size I am, loved, appreciated, and respected, for better or worse, good times and bad, and I give him all that in return. That's the way a true relationship should be - full of mutual respect and love to create balance, and that's what I finally have. I can finally say I feel very lucky, and it's about damn time! :)

New Hope?
Amelie inspired
As of yesterday, I am single, officially.. I just haven't changed my Facebook status yet to avoid chaos with people.. oy.. the one thing I hate about Facebook.. forced to broadcast crap to everyone when stuff goes wrong.. bleh.. oh well, I'll probably change it tomorrow (or well, today).

Anyway.. I'm kind of in shock right now.. my life is going to dramatically change.. I don't even remember what it was like to be single, and I have to figure out all this crap like getting all my stuff back to my parents house and all this junk.. I'm at my parent's house now.. and I feel terrible.. I just feel like a big burden on them >.< I need need neeeeed to find a job.. I feel like I'm scrambling to get my life together.. but I have a feeling I won't be able to for longer than I want to >.< I'm just hoping I can get a job sooner rather than later and be able to move out somewhere.. bleh it would help if I had a roommate.. ._.

Anyways.. its pretty obvious based on my previous entries what happened.. nothing got better, and I just don't think it was meant to be.. I do care about him and wish him the best.. but I just can't deal with all the problems anymore.. constantly fighting.. feeling like he doesn't respect me.. or care about "relations".. takes a toll on a person.. my self esteem is non-existant right now.. I hope things get better for me.. I don't think I could take much more rejection ._.

So yeeeeah.. things have been interesting lately..
Amelie inspired
Hello my friends... you guys might be wondering like... what the crud is goin on with Mary... LoL so yeeeeah..

Once again, Chris and I have broken up.. and I think this time it's probably gonna stay that way. I care very much about him and want the best for him, but lately I felt that I couldn't be the one to give him that anymore...

Also since we've gotten back together before he's been holding stuff over my head, saying that he won't trust me unless I do this and that... and just putting a lot of pressure on me and making me feel kinda poopy... I didn't really feel happy anymore.. and the one you are with should make you feel happy so... I dunno.. he asked me for another chance but I gave him like five million chances every time he brought something up that upset me... so finally I was like I can't do this anymore.. and I did tell him that he was upsetting me and that he was pushing me away by acting that way, then saying sorry, saying he wouldn't bring stuff up again.. and then later he would bring stuff up again anyway... it was just very frustrating... so yeeeah... he would also say things a certain way to make me feel bad... and.. meeeh..

That and I feel like the magicalness (can't think of a better word) wasn't there anymore for some reason... like when I was with him... something in the back of my mind said "something isn't right anymore.. something is missing that I don't think will come back".. I dunno... its like we fell into this rut of do do doooo hang out... play games... do doo dooooo bye.... and... like.. the chemistry was kinda... missing... chemistry is sorta the wrong word maybe but I dunno... cuz I felt like at times he would still kinda not be completely there... its hard to explain without sounding meaner than I really mean.. but yeah...

Anyways.. I want to still be there for him as a friend if he wants me to be cuz again I do care very much about him... its just as far as a romantic relationship is concerned.. I just can't anymore... and unfortunately he is taking it very hard... and I feel terrible about it and want to be there for him but obviously that would just make things worse in a way.. so.. blarg..

The thing I realized is that even though I care about him.. and perhaps even still love him.. I realized that there is certain things I just don't think I could live with or deal with.. for the rest of my life.. I did the whole "okay he's gonna be like this and this for the rest of his life... do you think you could live with it for the rest of ur life if you got married to him?" and I thought "I don't think I can anymore" so... yeah.. who knows if I was wrong.. only time can tell really I guess.. but right now it seemed for me the right decision.. as hard as it was...

So thats pretty much what happened in a rambling nutshell LoL .. sorry to be so random and like "oh btw" xD but yeeeeeah... :) I hope everyone is doing okay thoughs... I will probably update about more iiinteresting stuffs at some point ^.^ I send loveness to all! ^_^

oy o.o
Amelie inspired
Hello everyone...

I'm sry I haven't been on here in foreeever... I send loveness to all ^_^

So those of you on Facebook or Myspace might have noticed that it now says I'm single.... yeeeeeeeeah... for those of you that might want to know what the crud monkeys happened.. weeeeell.... >.> (here we go):

Basically.. I've been more and more worried over recent months that Chris and I had gotten into this rut where I felt like he was almost taking me for granted in a way... at least I felt that way... We went to an anime convention on the weekend of Valentines day, and when there, he took out all his anger about complete stupid stuff on me... cuz he basically knows that he can get away with it by now cuz I'm so easy going... and he gave me the silent treatment.. and basically acted like a complete jerk to me... and when I tried to be there for him and ask him what was wrong.. he wouldn't tell me... saying things like "can't I be angry just cuz?" and only the next day would he tell me why...

He complained that it seemed like I wanted to hang out with everyone else more than him when in actuality every time I tried to hug him or be with him.. he would ignore me and play his DS and at one point he actually glared at me and shoved me away... for nooo reason... other than he was angry that he had to go late on Friday to the con cuz we had to wait for one of my friends.... (which I asked him ahead of time if he would be okay with that and he said yes)

So basically I decided that if he is going to do things like this and not communicate properly with me (or communicate backwards) I just thought I needed a break from it all... so yeeeeeah...

Anyways ... thats basically what happened in a nutshell... I was just bothered with the fact that he has recently been trying to get away with more and more with me ... and I was just like.. okaaaay.... LoL but yeah.. the annoying thing is I don't think he realized what he did wrong at all... if he could just stop being stubborn all the time and try to communicate with me better and not try to get away with treating me like poo cuz I'm too easy going... things would have been fiiine.. LoL ... but noooOOOooo... he expected me to make everything better without telling me what was wrong even though I tried so hard to ask him what was wrong and for him to tell me what he wanted... and then after everything is too late and I can't do anything about stuff... he tells me what I shoooould have done.... that I would have been willing to do (and actually did... (trying to give him attention) but he shoved me away.. literally) and it's just like.. why didn't you tell me.. instead of saying in an immature voice "NOTHING'S WRONG OKAY?" -_- ....

So yeeeah *done venting* .... anyways... I don't know what will happen now.. I do miss him... of course.. I mean we were going out for 3 and a half years.. so yeeeeah... and I wanted everything to work out... but I seriously couldn't take this anymore.. and this kind of stuff.. where he just tries to get away with ignoring me to do stuff or get angry at me for silly things.. and stuff like that.. has just been getting worse and worse... even though I would talk to him about it... and even though we used to never get into arguments.. we got into them more and more.... so yeeeah... I just needed a break... who knows if we will be able to work things out in the future or not... but anyways...

Unfortunately.. Chris has taken this really badly... he has been drinking.. a lot.. I'm really worried about him... and even though he's mentioned in his myspace blog thingie that "he's hurt a lot of people and he's a bad man" and stuff like that... he's not a "bad man"... he just doesn't realize I don't think what he's really done... or what certain actions can do when you repeat them over time.... so yeah... >.< blarg...

He was even at one point thinking that I left him for this guy that I recently made friends with named Josh.. which is not the case... all the above is why.. not because of Josh... *sigh*.. so yeah... it's caused a lot of stress.. I'm just going to take everything one day at a time... hopefully stuff will all sort out somehow.... so I just thought I would give you all a heads up... sry for rambling like a crazy person... ^_^

*hugness to all* .. I hope everyone is doing well! ^_^

A.D.D. randomness
Amelie inspired
Okay so this is totally random and spawns from the fact that I am procrastinating starting my homework buuuuut I thought I would share this with all of yooous!

Recently I've been on a crazy Studio Ghibli kick, you know, the awesome people who created Princess Mononoke, Spirited Away, and Howl's Moving Castle.... so I've been watching everything I can find that was created by them... cuz yeah.. they are awesome...

So I stumbled across one movie they created in the 80's called "Only Yesterday," which isn't really the greatest movie they ever made but there is one part in it that I think all of you must see that is adorable/hilarious! Soooo YouTube to the rescuuuuuue! Enjoy! (seriously omg watch it! xD):

LoL her face at the end = priceless xD

Anyways... off I go to do (more) homework... yaaaay.... =.=

Amelie inspired
Omgeeees I've been waaaay too busy.. it makes me sad T.T LoL

Happy Birthdays go out to Nique and Catherine and omgees I feel like I'm forgetting people... oh snap who else.. Chris's birthday is next Tuesday... Julia's is comin up too right? October? or is it November... aaaa LoL I fail! xD but yesh... Loveness to all anyways xD

And yeeeah.. I have been so stressed lately with all this work I've been doing for school, that I actually decided to drop my Typography course.. and I felt bad cuz he was a nice teacher.. but he was all like "oh yeeah btw you have like 4 projects due on the same day mmmk" and I was like AAAAAA.. so yeeeeah... but then he sent me a nice email that was all like "aww I'm sry your not going to be in my class, you showed great potential, I wish you luck with stuff.. keep working on things!" and I felt bad... xD buuuuuuuuuuuut oh well.. more time to do stuff= yaaaay.

Anyways... I've been forgetting stuff left and right and staying up until 3 most nights to get crud done... oy.. *venting* hehe sry to ramble about stuff... but yeesh..

And for some reeeally weird reason... my jaw hurts... <.< I dunno why.. it feels like I pulled something but I don't think I did cuz it came on slowly and now it just hurts really bad.. it hurts to smile.. which is weeeeird... but yeah... hopefully it will get better xD

Weeeell off I go to a meeting thing of dooooom... talk to yous later! ^.^

Hehe okay.. this is way late BUUUT..
Amelie inspired
Here are my crazy pictures from my Florida trip... unfortunately they are not too uber exciting cuz I fail with cameras and remembering to you know, uuuse them... T.T buuuut oh well.. I thought I would post them anyways... some are pretty funny... hehe.. yay for Chris' friends being insane! ^.^

Crazy people goofing off tiiime!Collapse )


Amelie inspired
Hehehe this is a very random entry... but I just thought I would share it with you all.

As you all know, I'm obsessed with birds... and in my back yard there is a small family I guess of (what I found out to be called) Cooper's hawks... and they are immature, so I'm guessing that all three of them are little brothers and/or sisters.. hehe... here's a picture!

And here's another one ^.^Collapse )

Earlier today, I went outside and walked very close to one that was perched on a branch and we just stared at each other for a while... it got nervous at first but then tucked one of it's feet under its plumage, which means that it was comfortable, and signaled to me that it didn't see me as a threat... ^_^ it was so cute! He sqealed a couple of times as well to the other ones... :D

There are now officially no squirrels in my back yard.. and if any do so happen to step foot in my back yard... heaven help them.. I saw one being chased by two earlier today... LoL I'm not sure if he got away or not.

Anyways, I want to name them but they all look the same hehehe. Another fun fact is that when they reach adulthood their eyes will change from yellow to red... ^_^ exciting... LoL my mom said that I should have become an ornithologist... not a bad idea really but I figured "eeeh.. I would have to research them and travel to places where there are bugs.. so naaaah.." LoL Seriously I was out there for like 10 minutes and I got 4 bug bites... during the daaaay... T.T but anyways.. *rambling* I will now shut up about the cute little birdies of prey! ^.^ *squee* :X

*runs off*

o.O I haven't updated in what seems foreverrr!
Amelie inspired
Hehe.. helloooo everyone!

Omgeees I need to see Harry Potter (not to mention Transformers)... o.o I'm excited... hehe, from what I've seen it looks awesome ^.^ *dances*

Anyways... my life is pretty boring, thats probably why I haven't updated in a while, but stiiiill... However, there is good news.. well, for me at least... I am going to FLORIDAAAAA!!! xD hehe basically from the 20th of July to the 4th or 5th of August, I'll be away.. some of that will be spent over at Chris' house though.. but basically... I'm heading over to Chris' that Friday.. and then heading out insaaanely early in the morning (or late at night depending on how you look at it xD) cuz we are driving all the way down there... we being Chris and his friends and his friend's family... it will be lots of fun though.. even though it will be kinda expensive.. but I think it will be a nice thing to do... to relax and stuff... so yay ^.^

I will probably get sunburned like nothing else though <.< meeeh.. LoL but oh well.. I told Chris that he is my official sunblock-putter-oner <.< hehe and I was like "Okay duuude.... you have to put it on me like every 10 minutes cuz I'm freakish like that... are you up to the chaaaalleeeenge?!!" and he was like "..... okaaaay..." LoL

^.^ But yeah, I just thought I would let you guys know what I was up to in case you were trying to get a hold of me to hang out or somethin and yeeeah.. xD buuut until then... I'll probably be free to do things ^.^ weee!

Hmm... what to pack what to paaack... meh... oh well.. I'm sure I'll forget stuff anyway... I'm weird in that I have to think this stuff over a while in advance LoL but yeah.. hmm.. I'll bring my sketch book if I can fit it safely... yeeesh ^.~

Anyways I am rambling.. sorry for the lame entry.. I'll post again when I got more interesting news... and hopefully I'll take pictures of the trip if my camera stops being poopy... yaaay ^_^

*Runs off to bed*

Amelie inspired
Dramatic look for the win!: (watch it omgeees, only 5 seconds! xD)

BEST, FUNNIEST VIDEO... EVER! xD omg... it never gets old.. in fact, the more you watch it.. the funnier it gets! xD aaah! *tear* okay... I'm good... ah... xD *That is all*


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